When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
1 Corinthians 13:11, KJV
It was New Year’s Eve.
I stood in a very long line in a store, waiting to check out. I needed shampoo and conditioner and so I had no choice but to wait.
Two women stood before me. A mother and her teenage, maybe junior or senior in high school, daughter. I started missing my two daughters, until…
The banter started. At first, it was just that, banter. But then the banter took a sharp right turn into heightened, and very unhealthy, sarcasm.
Banter: to speak to or address in a witty and teasing manner.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Sparing details of the conversation, it centered on the mom stating, quite clearly and loudly, that she was going to a wedding and might be out all night.
“You took my 20’s from me, so I’m going to live them now,” she chided.
“But, Mom, you said we’d spend New Year’s Eve together,” the daughter said.
“Well, I wouldn’t call it together. Isn’t so-and-so (can’t remember daughter’s boyfriend’s name) going to be there? I wouldn’t call that ‘together.’ If you can have somebody, why can’t I go find somebody? Do you know how many New Year Eve’s I’ve spent alone?” Mom retorted, quite emphatically.
She repeated, “As I said, you took away the best years of my life, when I should have been having fun,” she said.
Banter slowly changed into sarcasm.
Sarcasm: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Learning to LOVE WELL.
I’m happy to report that I held my tongue. I desperately wanted to intervene and interject my two-cents in their conversation. But, I’ve learned the fine practice of discretion and for that, I am most grateful. It wasn’t my place. I need to reserve my energy and collected strength for those “things” in my life that are my place.
Several aspects of observing this unhealthy conversation really bothered me:
- The lack of discretion: Didn’t she realize that over 20 people were actually listening in on her immature conversation with her young daughter?
- The lack of mutual respect: More than likely, this was their common mode of relating to one another. Their mojo. Probably passed on from generation to generation. I can’t be sure, but it is highly likely.
- The subtle digs: Tucked in-between the words and the back and forth were long-buried hurts that hinted at unresolved issues, regrets, and grudges.
- The overt sarcasm: Sarcasm is designed to cut and give pain. Sadly, we live in a sarcastic society and even more sadly, it is modeled by top government and public figures. It is now a very real mode of communication, albeit highly damaging and deeply disturbing.
- The loss of real intimacy and connection: The gravest consequence of all is the erosion of true, loving relationship.
I don’t have any doubts that these two women loved each other deeply.
They just don’t love each other well.
Put Away Childish Things
That conversation and mother-daughter relationship brought to mind the powerful words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
Put away in the Greek, katargeo (v), means, “to render idle, unemployed, inactivate, inoperative. To cause a person or thing to have no further efficiency. To deprive of force, influence, or power.
Childish in the Greek, nepios (adj), means, “unskilled or untaught.”
Strong’s Concordance of the Bible
I know you desire remarkable, heartlifting relationships. I do, too.
I want to love each and every person in my sphere of influence, well.
In order to actually see that develop in my life, I have to take Paul’s words to heart and intentionally “put away childish things.” That starts right in my very own heart.
As always, I invite you to join me. Let’s journey together. Take one action step, today, towards becoming our very best God-created selves.
My action step? Decreasing the pace of my life so I have more emotional energy for loving well.
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Hi Janell. Thank you for sharing the article. I wanted to comment on two sentences you wrote:
“I don’t have any doubts that these two women loved each other deeply. They just don’t love each other well.”
I don’t understand how you can love someone deeply if that love “action” is not “well”. I think we all like to say we love someone, but if the action behind those words is not “well”, then the words are just that, words – – with no real meaning.
It’s like that often used saying, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” What a bunch of you know what!
We give ourselves a get-out-of-jail-free card when we say hurtful words to each other, but then say, “I love you.” If I’m honest with myself when I hurt someone, I must say to myself, “I am not loving you…period”…and don’t condition it with “I’m not loving you well.” The fact is that I’m not loving you at all by whatever action I did. By saying these words to myself, I am more apt to change/fix the unloving action so my words do actually mean something.
Such great thoughts, Brian. As I stood behind these two women, I really did think, “I bet they really love each other.”
At that specific moment in time, I truly believe “that way of relating” was all they knew…Now, this is my novice interpretation, anyway. You do bring to light critical aspects of the word, “well,” though, and perhaps I should have phrased that sentence, “I don’t have any doubts that these two women love one other, they just don’t love one another well.”
I love your truth, “If I’m honest with myself when I hurt someone, I must say to myself, ‘I am not loving you…period.'” So many layers here. So many different interpretations of “love.” I do believe that we are imperfect HUMAN beings who in and of ourselves can’t love well (1 John 2:1-11). Personally, I fail each and every day to love well, but as I grow in my faith and move towards emotional and spiritual maturity, I can learn to love well (1 Corinthians 13). Learning to love well is a practice. It asks me to lead a life full of grace and compassion.
I could go on, of course, as this is deep and wide. I thank you for bringing these thoughts here. So valuable.
Thanks Janell
Most welcome. I loved your insights and always welcome other ways of thinking and looking at the complex subjects of love and relationships. We always need to look at life from many different perspectives. That is the key to growth and especially to unity. Thank you!