‘Why do you pray?’ he asked.
‘Why do I pray? Well, why did I live? Why did I breathe?’
Every question possessed a power that was lost in the answer…
‘Man comes close to God through the questions he asks Him,’ he liked to say.
Therein lies the true dialogue.
Man asks and God replies.
But we don’t understand his replies.
We cannot understand them. Because they dwell in the
depths of our souls and remain there until we die.
The real answers, Eliezer, you will find within yourself.’
‘And why do you pray, Moishe?’ I asked.
‘I pray to the God within me for strength
to ask the real questions.'”
-Elie Wiesel to his mentor, Moishe the Beadle in Night
Asking Why is a Gateway Question
Asking why is a surface level question that often leads to deeper truths. I think of this as a gateway question.
As I sat waiting for my doctor to come explain this Ach-a-lasia thing to me, I took the time to revise a few thoughts in Chapter One of my current book project. Somehow the distraction calmed my nerves.
Notes on a short study of Ecclesiastes 3:3,
“A Time to Heal,” worked out while
in the waiting room. Interesting coincidence?
I’m not so sure.
When he finally came in, he apologized for taking so long.
“No worries,” I said. “You gave me time to get some work done. It’s so quiet in here.”
“Well, that’s good. What are you working on?” he asked.
“It’s kind of ironic, I suppose. I was reworking a section on being blindsided by something and the temptation to ask, ‘Why did this just happen?'”
As I explained the project, he smiled.
I remarked, “Pretty sure you might end up in this book…”
The conversation that followed sincerely was a game changer for me. His words forever marking that moment on my life map.
You will need surgery. I’d like to send you to Johns Hopkins for a consult on the P.O.E.M. Procedure. It’s new, probably < than 100 people have had it. Maybe less.
And we will set up an appointment with the best surgeon in this area……just so you know all of your options.
He continued talking about medical dispensations and risks and nerves and valves and …
My head was spinning. My heart sinking. I felt stuck in a whirlwind of whys and hows and whos and whats.
“Dr. Lawson, what did I do to cause this? I know I’ve been under a great deal of stress, but that’s par for life, isn’t it? There must be something I can do to fix it. Some natural things…right?”
“Listen, write this down in that little notebook of yours,” he said firmly, yet adding a smile. “This is not your fault. There are things in life you don’t control and this is one of them.”
“Well, that is really hard for me to accept,” I said, fighting the tears, once again. “There has to be something….”
“Let me repeat….” as he typed away at his notes. “I’m afraid not.”
“So you just wake up one morning and there it is…boom!”
“Yes, Achalasia chose you.”
The Deeper Question
So here I am in the aftermath. Spending more time in the waiting room.
There, in the quiet, I once again welcome God into the whirlwind of my whys.
And, like Moishe the Beadle, I pray to the God within me for strength to ask the real questions.
When something in my life is truly out of my control, I find I have only one place to run.
For me, that one place is to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith (Hebrews 11:1-2).
In this situation, I desperately wanted answers that would lead to a quick fix and then take me back to my normal.
But, as many of you already know, sometimes the answer is a new normal. We don’t have to like it but we do have to embrace it.
Maybe God will heal me. Maybe he won’t.
I know with profound certainty that there are deeper questions still. This diagnosis, much like one I had in 1998 (Spondylolythesis/Pars Defect), is going to require a life shift.
Your Whirlwind of Whys
I’m pretty sure, at one point or another, you have been caught in a whirlwind of whys.
How did you find your way to the peace that passes all understanding? I sure would like to know. The real, practical, hands-on stuff. Something we can all grab on to while we are being tossed to and fro.
Janell, thank you for sharing this part of your story! I’m in the middle of a season of whys and looking for answers to lingering health questions. It’s hard to persevere, but I try to remember God’s goodness, His faithfulness in the past, & find the evidence of His presence in each day. I hold on to those promises, turn on worship music…something to keep Truth on repeat in my heart. 🙂 Love this sentence: “This is not your fault. There are things in life you don’t control and this is one of them.” Amen! Praying for you!
Laura,
Did you hear me shout a very loud, “Amen,” when I read your words, “Keep Truth on repeat in my heart.” WOW. What revelation, Laura. I hope that truth is in your book…which will get printed one day (it isn’t already is it? I don’t want to miss that launch party). You also bring out a key principle…remembering. Time and time again God tells us to remember Him…that is an essential daily ritual we all need to put into practice. Thank you for your key insights. I know they will encourage us all. Keep believing and WRITING!
Oh Janell…I’m so sorry to hear of your latest diagnosis. This post reminds me of my Mom. I was 19 years old when my brother was killed in a car accident. Over and over I asked the “why” question. My wise mom said if you ask “why” every time something bad happens then you have to be willing to ask “why” every time something good happens, every time you receive a blessing. It completely changed my perspective. The “why” question became less important than the “what” question. “What” is God showing me through this trial? “What” am I going to do to get through this?? Praying for you as you continue to “fix your eyes on the unseen things…for it is the unseen things that are eternal”…. You are so loved, my friend
Kathy
Kathy,
AH! What wisdom. I love the idea of exchanging the “why” for the “what.” Perhaps we can say that is the divine exchange that might happen when we welcome God into the why. He transforms the atmosphere of our questioning…from anger, frustration, angst, fear, etc. to love, acceptance, trust, and surrender. I admit he is definitely “showing” me several “whats” in this situation already. I might not like them, but I will learn to love HIM more completely. Achalasia means “failure to relax.” Go ahead…you can laugh. I give you permission…you know me too well. When I first read that, I laughed the laugh of Sarah (Genesis 18:12). So, once again, Janell finds herself faced with the challenge of learning to relax…Thank you for your steadfast love, Kathy! I know you understand the journey of pain. You are a living example of God’s miraculous power.
I am one year single after a 30 year marriage. At 52 years old it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Everything about my life changed. It has been the hardest year of my life but I am a stronger person because of it. A friend gave me a book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. I read it every morning and meditate on the scripture and message. God put the most amazing women in my life that call or text me every day. They keep me accountable even when I don’t want to be. They give me advice based on the scriptures I have heard all my life, but it’s not until just recently that those scriptures took on real meaning. I have drawn (in the quiet times) closer to The Lord than I have ever been. I truly believe that you must give up your life to safe your life. Don’t get me wrong, I have had bad days when I had a large pity party, but God was always the first guest to arrive to help me turn the party around and into a celebration for His glory I am strong, independent and I WILL SURVIVE! Thanks be to God!!
Oh Renee….my heart just sank when I read your powerful, honest words. Thank you for being so vulnerable with all of us. I sincerely believe that when we stand shoulder to shoulder and heart to heart, we are able to bear anything. It is interesting that you share this as I was researching this morning and read that 43% of marriages end before the 50th wedding anniversary. As a life coach/counselor, I’m sad to say I can affirm that. BUT, I will fight to the end to try and improve that statistic.
Renee, I can’t imagine your pain. Please know I am praying for you and am sincerely thankful that you are on this side of the year. Where oh where would we be without Jesus? At times, it seems insurmountable with him. I, too, have benefited greatly from Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling.” She definitely wrote that under Divine Influence! I also see a golden thread in your words…the power of community. Having women who surround us during our dark nights of the soul is often the ONLY way through. Women who embrace us with acceptance and care.
My prayer for you today is that Jesus surrounds you with His presence. A presence so real you can feel it, see it and even taste it. Once again, thank you for sharing and helping us all to welcome God into the whys.
Oh, Janell! I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. Your doctor sounds quite sage. I went through a huge, life-altering event that flooded me with whys and I’m not good enough a and I’m a failures. I wish I could say I had a tangible means of answering those whys and gaining immediate comfort. I didn’t. For me it took time. Excruciating time. Peace came to me in quiet moments when I could calm the meaning making machine in my head and listen to what I knew to be the ultimate truth– I am good enough and I’m not a failure. I still don’t know the answer to “why?” But I do know I’m a better and stronger person for living through that period in my life.
Oh Amy,
Thank you for these life-giving, time-tested words of experience and hope. I love your truth to “calm the meaning making machine…” that is brilliant. I crave the quiet right now. I remember another huge life shift I experienced (as I wrote about…in 1998) – it was that season that taught me the truths of Psalm 91:1-2…sitting under and in the shadow of God’s wings. It is a good place to wait, isn’t it? I’m learning again that I too am good enough and not a failure….the doctor assuring me that there was NOTHING I did to get this and NOTHING I can do to “fix” it. Let’s keep encouraging one another!
I’m sorry to hear of you diagnosis, but I am blessed and inspired by the words God has given you in response. Thank you for sharing your doctor’s words, it is a good reminder for our tendency to want to explain and blame, fallouts from that desire to control our world. I am praying for you and know that God will be faithful to you in all this and more.
Dear Janell, thank you for sharing your story and opening your heart. Your doctor’s words are so wise — there are some things in this world one cannot control.
One of my favorite quotes from “Shadowlands,” a movie about C.S. Lewis is, “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” I think about that often. For what should I pray? I pray for big and little things. I pray for God to spread His kingdom and to help me find my car keys (and I do find them). How does that change me? His faithfulness in answering my “little” requests reminds me of his goodness and faithfulness in all things.
Scripture is a comfort to me when I’m tossed and shaken. Our home was recently broken into, but neither my husband nor I were harmed, and apparently nothing of value was taken. The police said they’d never heard of anything like it. Once I could quietly process what had happened, I was reminded of the smallness of my faith and the greatness of God’s faithfulness. “The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning (even at 4:30 a.m. when someone is breaking in); great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23) I also was reminded of the words in the Lord’s Prayer, “deliver us from evil,” and praise God that He did.
Why was our home broken into? Maybe so I could be more sensitive to His mercies and praise Him more for them. The intruder is also a target for my prayers and the prayers of those at my church. All glory to our infinite, eternal, and unchangeable God.
You are in my prayers!
Linda,
Oh my! I can’t believe your home was broken into. Were you home? It seems as though God had his armies of angels surrounding you.
Your response is nothing more than astounding. C.S.Lewis’s quote is going in my journal TONIGHT. “I pray because I can’t help myself.” You know, that is the honest truth, isn’t it? I can’t help myself either….it is a 24/7 dialogue. Thank you for sharing your bravery and strong faith!
Janell,
I have enjoyed following your blog since I contacted you. We have only spoken a few times via Facebook but I can understand the “whys” in medical questions.
Your doctor is so right — there are some things that we can not control. That is something I have learned the last 2 years of my life. What we can control is how we react to those circumstances. I truly believe that God has given us everything we need in His Word, His Spirit, and the people that He graciously leads us to live life with. I don’t know that we ever will get to a full peace on earth, but I believe as we grow in our trust in God, we get closer and closer to peace.
I have received about 3-4 different medical diagnosis the last year and had two major surgeries in one year…. Going into my last surgery (wheeling me into the operating room) I had an unexplainable joy because I just KNOW God is in control and there is a peace and a joy that comes with that understanding of His Sovereignty. A huge trust develops in your heart as you meditate on His Word and His promises. I believe hiding His Word in my heart and declaring His promises has led me to overcoming what I have this year. When I think “why is this happening?” I remind myself that God is good and life is life. It’s not a deep motto, but it’s true. We go through hard times because we’re not yet in Heaven… Now it is our responsibility to bring Heaven to earth!
I will pray that you have the same trust and joy as you go into surgery. I know God will see you through.
xx
Hannah
Dear Hannah,
What a triumphant spirit you are! I know in a small degree what you have faced and just can’t fathom the journey. God has definitely poured out HIS mercy and grace on you. When I read your thought, “God is good and life is life,” I immediately wrote it down. That is going to be my new mantra. Life is life, isn’t it? The real question is most definitely, “How will we respond to it?” Thank you for sharing your heart….I am encouraged.
I am playing “catch up” reading this. Your comment on a new normal resonates with me. Seems we are often readjusting our lives here in our home. It’s hard! I don’t like change. Emily Perl Kingsley wrote a piece called WELCOME TO HOLLAND that has come to mean a lot to me. You can find it online if you would like to read it. I believe God gave me my ticket to Holland and He has a purpose for me to be here. I have learned to adjust to living here and found the good things about it. I long for “Italy” less often.
Praise music reminds me I am not there alone. How it is a balm to my soul. I also try my best to live with an eye on eternity…to remember that this life, though we should thrive living it, is a blip on a radar screen and I can endure a blip! I can choose to live my time here bitter or I can choose to trust. And I rely on His promises. I am not alone. He is with me. He will give strength. He will give endurance. He can give peace. He provides all we need for this life. Some days I need a reminder of all this. And I know He can handle my “whys”. But I long to more often give Him my worship of trust.
I will pray for you on this journey. When I began my journey with Korie, there were no blogs or avenues of sharing such as the internet. How it blesses me to read your steps of faith!
Donna,
Oh, I value your words like rain on a parched desert! I wish you had a blog that chronicled your journey with Korie. It has always been a source of inspiration to me. I believe wholeheartedly that we do indeed have to “keep an eye on eternity” and remember that this life is a blip on the radar screen….Yes, I have read WELCOME TO HOLLAND…it is an amazing encouragement. I know for certain that God has a beautiful place prepared for us…and if we yield to HIS way, we will find true peace. HIS thoughts and HIS ways are so much higher than ours. Blessings on you!
Okay, you weren’t kidding. I went home, sat alone and felt a great presence. I felt like I did not need to ask “why.” Although, I still toyed with the idea, I knew deep in my heart that knowing “why” isn’t the answer. Like you and I discussed, knowing “why” isn’t going to help me now. The change is going to be something I need to work through in Christ, and move forward. I feel much better today, going forward. Thank you for your amazing words Janell. <3
Yes mam.
I am so very grateful it spoke to you.
God is with you. Remember that why is a gateway question that leads
us to complete and total surrender to God. You are very loved.
Thank you for sharing with me. God is where I run too. Achalasia, along with many things in life, we may not chose- but we do have to embrace and we can chose how to respond. Thank you again.
Charisa,
Know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Let’s stay connected! Are you going to have a surgery done or just wait and see how things unfold?
this is deep and insightful simple yet profound ….. God bless enjoyed reading feel like taking a print to put it on the display board.
God bless
vv
Thank you Vilbert for speaking healing words. Please feel free to share.
Blessings!
As a fellow Achalasia warrior and Christian, these words really resonated with me. There are some things you truly have no control over. Once you let go of the notion that you may have done something different and move into the land of- it is what it is, so God use this and me and you completely surrender… you can find peace and strength in it all. Thank you for sharing.
I am so glad, Charisa,
It is always good to have someone who understands…esp. this plight of Achalasia. I’m here for you.