The Blame Game

Blaming others is an inappropriate and non-productive form of communication between lovers, friends, or family members.”

In her book, Shift, Author and television personality, Tory Johnson, shares her story of weight loss. But her story is way more than physical weight loss. She talks candidly about the heaviness of her emotional weight—which can often be the deeper root to weight issues. She clearly and concisely addresses a subject near and dear to my heart: blame and excuses. She writes:

I’ve hidden behind the same habits and excuses for years. I blamed my parents for making me fat and allowing me to become addicted to overeating. I blamed McDonald’s for serving fattening burgers and fries. I blamed my compulsive eating on the mean kids in school, sadistic gym teachers, and even the former boss who fired me without warning by saying, ‘Tory, it’s a big world out there and I suggest you go explore it.’ I’m sick of dodging the blame and pinning excuses for my actions on other people and situations. I can see now how I have let the comfort of complacency carry me from fragile teenager to forty-one-year-old adult, and how easy it would be to stay the course, just as I have my whole life. But I can’t. I won’t. As I make this simple shift in my thinking, what once seemed daunting becomes much more doable and manageable.'”

Like Tory Johnson, I spent many years blaming my alcoholic father for many of “my issues.” Even though statistics support my “right to blame” him, once I became a follower of Christ, I was faced with the cold hard truth about forgiveness. The agony of moving through the rigors of forgiveness often keeps us bound in it. It is just so hard to let go, isn’t it? But—and this is a really, really big but—moving through the agony is the only way to get to the other side.

The freedom side. That sacred space where we are safe, loved, and permitted to be ourselves—even when “ourselves” is very different from the other people in our family.

Over the past month, we had our two girls home, our son and his wife, and felt so deeply blessed by their healthy presence in our lives. We aren’t a perfect family but we are committed to being a healthy family. No blaming. No shaming. No finger pointing. We are learning to use our words wisely in order to hold one another accountable to our commitment to becoming our healthiest selves, individually, so we can all experience the joy of our growing family.

Two separate visits, but one family. Learning how to do “distance” has been filled with challenges, as Candace lives in Uruguay—surrounded by her love, Jose, and his familia—Brooke and her husband, Aaron, live in St. Louis, and Grant and his wife, Kristen, live in Kansas. We’re learning that we don’t have to jam every little thing in when we are together, that what we all most want is “to just be together.” I’m not sure why this lesson has taken me so long to learn, but I’m glad I’m learning it. Better late than never, right?

Freedom Does Have a Cost

At some point, if we truly want to be happy, healthy, whole, and ultimately, healed, we have to stop blaming, stop making excuses. Movement through the three phases of The Heartlift Method empowers us to move forward, not backward.

  • Will it be easy? Oh no, definitely not.
  • Can we do it alone? Hmm…probably not.
  • Will it go away? Eventually. Stay with and pray through until it does.
  • Doesn’t time heal all wounds? Yes and no and everything in between.
  • Does this require hard conversations and tears and often, facing hard truths about ourselves that we’d rather ignore? Always.

Celebrate What Went Right Today

A wise man once told me that “the essence” of the pain remains inside our souls in order to inform and empower us to help others walk through their pain. It increases our empathy, our capacity to offer grace and unconditional love, not shame, and frees us to accept people right where they are.

Celebrate What Went Right Today

Having both girls home this past weekend was worth celebrating, for sure!
It was supposed to rain and the SUN decided to shine. So grateful.

Tory Johnson offers us one remarkable way to foster joy and deep contentment:

End each day with a silent celebration. At bedtime, it’s so easy to recall all the stuff you forget and all that went wrong and everything that awaits you tomorrow. That doesn’t help you with a good night’s sleep. Instead, at bedtime ask yourself, ‘What went right today?’ Focus on the little things that made you smile and vow to have more of that tomorrow.

Join me. Join our Speak Healing Words Community.

Let’s meet over on Facebook and Instagram and share our celebratory thoughts about what went right today. Your silent celebrations. Those pinnacle moments when you find yourself smiling at the darnedest things. Join me as I commit to focusing on the little things that make me smile.

Let’s vow to have more of that tomorrow.

Celebrate What Went Right TodayCelebrate What Went Right Today

Find Emotional Freedom

And, if you need a little extra help on quitting the blame game or finding a way to forgive or maybe just a little encouragement along the way, I’m your girl.

Schedule a session today. Don’t wait any longer to start leading that remarkable life God has for you!

Fill out the info below, and I'll send you a link to download the PDF interactive guide, "Why Am I So Angry?" I believe that if you put in the hard work + intentional application of these principles + spiritual fortitude into this healing practice, you will move into a far more meaningful life.

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